


anaconda

by sadimami



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-04
Updated: 2014-10-04
Packaged: 2018-02-19 22:06:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2404553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadimami/pseuds/sadimami
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>johnsollux is not a real ship and this is a joke</p>
            </blockquote>





	anaconda

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jesus christ](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=jesus+christ).



john egbert eats ass ok  
by stupid asshole and jesus worshiper

today is john egbert’s FIRST day of school is watomi japanese school for skilled otakus as an english transfer student! he walks down the halls in his HOT BLACK GAKURAN into his first class, looking around the room, and he nods at his teacher, miss ferrari peeces. all teh students r looking at him VERY intently…. the new student is SIZZLING thinks sollux captororor.  
“W-watashi wa… Watashi wa shy… Watashi wa namae.. wa John Egbert.. H-H-H-HAjimemashtie….W---_WATASHI.. .”  
“will you shut the fuck up and sit down you WEAPOOPOO!!!” a stubby horned boy yodeled from the back of the classroom. he pooted ANGRILY into his chair as he grumbled about fuck and fuckasses and kangaroos and anus!!!!!!  
John CRINGED at the loud voice, cowering for a moment before heading quickLEY OVER TO AN EMPTY SEAT. “G-G-g-GOMENASAI!!!!!!” John sshifted nervously in his chair, shufflign his feet. out of nervousness, he tooted very quietly.  
‘WILL YOU FUCKING STOP THAT YOU FUCKING UFCK FUCK AS FUCK FUCK FUC UFKC” THE BOY SCREAMED AGINA!!!!!!!!!!!!. he farted AGAIN! the room was VERY smelly :( like trash!!!  
why is everyone farting so much? thinks john. japan is sure weird! japanese peopel must fart a LOT!  
John notices a BOY staring at him and he glacnes over his shoulder, a boy with four horns was staring into his eyes like open doors…... “U-Um..”  
“youre hot lol. meh name is solucks cpapoaotoerer.” the boy said. John BLUSHED and suddenly from out of no where blossom petals strtated to flow everywhere and everyone was VERY CONFUSED…... “Arigato….. Solucks-SENPAI.”  
“No problelm… DO you think , do you think i can stick my DONGER into ur butt., um, oneeigai, pelase.”  
“yes senpai!!! pls do LEWD THINGS with ur stick to my poopyhole!!! except i am VERY religious because christianity and jesus says no sex b4 marriage but there is a loophole………… my poophoel..,”  
“its ok jesus will be turned on while hes watching us have HOT STEAMy Seex.”  
“k” says juhn and thyey go to the BATHROOMS because thats appraently EROTIC according 2 sollux. john tried to protest but sollux insisted on inserting his peepee into johns asshole ONLY in the bathroom! OH WELL! the two gay anusses began 2 shimmy their way out of the calssroom and made their way 2 th eboys bathroom. johns ass was READY to be promoted by sollux’s MEAT RIFLE!!!!! $$$$$$$$$$$$

TIME SKIP!!!!!!!!!!! ~in the BATHROOM~~

“AH YES SOLLUCKS~SENPAI STIICK IT UP IN THERE AHHHHHHHHHHHHH,” MOANED JOHN WHILE SOLLXU UNZIPPED HIS PANTS TO REVEAL A VERY DARK SECRET.T…….  
TWO!!!!!! TWO DONGS FLOEEDPPED OUT!!! TWO!!!!!!!!!!  
……………….. TOWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
“OH my GOSH YOU HAVE TWO!” JOhn exclaimed his eyes bulging out at the site of TWO DING DONGS. but if he has two dongs……… does tht maen he has TWO???? TWO ANUSES??????????  
…. .. . .. . ...TWO BUTTHOOEL???? BUT JOHN DONESNT HAVE THAT MANY PEEPEFE!

O NO,d  
“PUT BOTH OF YOUR BEEF WANDS UP MY ASS, I CAN FIT TWO NO PROBLEM”  
“YES YES JOHN-KUN I WILL PUT MY ANACONDA INSIDE UR ASS!”  
anaconda by nicki minaj began to play.

“AW HYEA SOLLUX WORK IT!!! WORK IT SOLLUX!!!!”  
as his dong began to enter john’s farthole, o fortuna began to play as tears leaked out of john’s eyes. “SOLLXIIxX”  
john could fele sollux’s huge anaconda slitehring into his bumhole like an actual anaconda nad his ass was on fire. this asssssss is on fireeeeeeeeee……….  
GOHOLYR HSIT  
wait… wait…. he feels a TONGUE flicker in his asshole…….oh NO, OHN OOOO, HIS, HIS DONG, HIS DONG IS ACTUALLY AN ANACONDA, JOHN SCREAMED IN HORROR  
goddammit nicki minaj he thinks as he shakes his fist at the sky…. maybe jesus will help hi.mm… i wil go with jesus, thinks john. John begins to sing (SONG does not belugn to me it is "Jesus Help Me To Stand" by Alison krauss)

 

“Through trials, troubles and care  
I know Jesus my savior is there  
Giving me faith through darkest days  
Keeping me on the narrow way

Jesus savior, help me each day  
Fill me with hope, fill me with faith  
Darkness retreats at the touch of Your hand  
Jesus savior, help me to stand

Jesus lived through darkest pain  
Rejected by men, despising the shame  
Man of sorrows, acquainted with grief  
He gave his life so we may be free

Jesus savior, help me each day  
Fill me with hope, fill me with faith  
Darkness retreats at the touch of Your hand  
Jesus savior, help me to stand

I know that Jesus died for me  
Cancelled my debt at Calvary  
Rose from the dead, unlocked Heaven's door  
Trust in his love and live evermore

Jesus savior, help me each day  
Fill me with hope, fill me with faith  
Darkness retreats at the touch of Your hand  
Jesus savior, help me to stand”

he prayed so hard to jesus. so hard. and jesus came… jesus descended from theh clouds with a small smile on his face and touched solluxs forehead, healing him from his anaconda dick problem……. sollux finally had a REAL penis………..  
sollux was FREE…..  
thus the sex thing began!!!!!!!!!! hepushed and PUSHED anD PUPSHED in and otu and nin and ou t adnd in and out and jgay ouak geryy aokr gary oak  
Ah yes gary fill my butt with ur sweet love

“AW YEANH AH SOLUXKCS SOLLUC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !1”  
sollux angrily humped johna gainst the bathroom stall and it produced a very lloud humping noise as johns ass slamemd in2 the bathroom stall. that is when KARKAT heard the noise wiht hiS ear!!! he got up form his desk and screamed:  
“WHAT THE FUCKITY FUKC FUCK GUF CKFNCUFKCFUCFKCFUCFKCUFKCF UCFKCufcKFCUfKCFYUCFKCFUCFKCFUCKFC,”  
“o no, solucks senpai? wat do we do? someone mus have haead us!”  
“do not fear, john-kun…. iw ill deal with this…”  
he took his peepee out of johns ass, leaving his pants down just as kitkart barged in miss ferarri peeces.  
“OOO OH MY JEUSS CHIRST IS THAT JESUS!!!! THATS JESUS!!!!!” KARKAT EXCLAIMED POINTING AT JESUes. yes, jesus was still there. sollux prayed so hard and jesus came 2 help…  
sollux sat down on the toiltet and sed, “excuse “me i am striyng 2 POOP here!”  
“o srry,” said karkat and miss ferarari peeces scolded karkat forbeing RUDE and wasting her time!!!  
then, john sneezd….  
“that is no ordinsary sneeze…..” says karkat, pausing half way through the door. “that is the sneze…. of a SHOTA.” SOLLUX SWEATS………………………………………………….  
“kakarat-sama i Am a shota1!!” leies sollux angrilly staring at john for not hsutting the fuck up.  
“OH ok…” KARkt squinted his eyes at SOllucks captor  
and then he left…  
sollux sighed of relief and turned back to john with a look of horror on his face when he saw john squatting over the toilet…. was he……. pooping?

Solx shits himselve.

TEH END!!!!!!!

A/N: thnkk u for reading our story!!!1 this is a joke i’m sos sorry please forgive me this is sierra’sf autl  
not sorry

**Author's Note:**

> this is a joke please forgive me


End file.
